So I’ve gone through my morning ritual of web cruising, and finally arrived at WordPress, but not without a few sobering words of caution.
Some whacko newsletter I have neglected to block from my e-mail sent me this collection of product warnings today, and I feel the social obligation to pass them on to you, my few, yet rabid followers.
– Wash hands after using: This sound advice came from an indoor extension cord. Why? I think I’m one of the slow ones such warnings are meant to protect, since I can’t think of one reason why I need it.
– Not for contact lenses or direct use in eyes: I can think of a zillion products this might be an appropriate aid in guiding the consumer to avoid, but this was on a small bottle of spray-on anti-fog cleaner. Really…I pass on these warnings because I go by the old saying, “If you save one, you save them all.” In the past I have used this product on muddy feet, waxy ears, and a few areas discretion leads me to leave to your imagination. I suffered no consequences, so I’m only passing on this specific warning.
Alright…enough of the serious stuff. Here’s a bit of the warning label advice I found outlandish no matter how deeply I imagined the warped ways my imaginative readers might tease the fates:
– Company will not be held responsible for any illness or injury that is incurred while using the pedometer. Yes, this came from a pedometer…damn tricky little devices, which have in the past must have been responsible for many a disfiguring accident.
– Combustion of this manufactured product results in the emissions of carbon monoxide, soot and other combustion by-products which are known by the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, or reproductive harm. This was the warning on a box of matches…matches I picked up in a convenience store in Marina Del Rey, Los Angeles, California. Good luck avoiding inhaling these dangerous substances, Los Angelinos !
– Not for human consumption! Please…just take a guess or two as to the origin of this warning label. OK…done? This came from a package of rubber worms intended for fishing. I have known a few fisherpeople for whom this might be good cautionary advice, but not all that many.
Alright…I can get carried away with stuff like this, so…here’s a few quick-hitters. Consider these drive-by warnings –
– Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. Why, on a Batman costume, of course.
– Remove child before folding. Oh my…this is from a children’s safety seat made for automobiles. Get it new parents?
– Not for use on moving vehicles. From an Off-Road Commode, a portable one that attaches to a trailer hitch.
– Danger: Avoid Death. Excellent advice, I would think. It came from a motorized yard appliance.
– Harmful if swallowed. There are so many objects and substances, from the mundane to the exotic, I could apply this to, but does this really need to be on a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook?
– This product moves when used. What a novel warning…for a Razor motorized go-cart.
– Do not use for personal hygiene. This, probably my favorite, came from a toilet brush.
So, there you are. I feel as though my work is done for the day. If I’ve saved a life, or an eye, or even some run-of-the-mill embarassment, I feel vindicated in my obsessive search of American cultural toys, tools, and health aids for possible dangers to you, and all yours you care enough about to not let swallow fish hooks, scour their private areas with toilet brushes, or see folded into child car seats.
Have a safe rest of the summer, and check any local listings for the dangers of jumping into piles of leaves as fall approaches. Remember, there’s a possible lawsuit in nearly any action in the Land of the Litigious.
I’ll be here on the beach if any emergency cases arise despite my best efforts at steering readers clear of such dangers. And, yes…I am reading the warning label on my water bottle, since I’ve finished the warning against wearing baseball caps backwards.