WARNING: Keep Eyes Open for Serious Nonsense

English: 0

English: 0 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

So I’ve gone through my morning ritual of web cruising, and finally arrived at WordPress, but not without a few sobering words of caution.

Some whacko newsletter I have neglected to block from my e-mail sent me this collection of product warnings today, and I feel the social obligation to pass them on to you, my few, yet rabid followers.

Wash hands after using:  This sound advice came from an indoor extension cord.  Why?  I think I’m one of the slow ones such warnings are meant to protect, since I can’t think of one reason why I need it.

– Not for contact lenses or direct use in eyes:  I can think of a zillion products this might be an appropriate aid in guiding the consumer to avoid, but this was on a small bottle of spray-on anti-fog cleaner.  Really…I pass on these warnings because I go by the old saying, “If you save one, you save them all.”  In the past I have used this product on muddy feet, waxy ears, and a few areas discretion leads me to leave to your imagination.  I suffered no consequences, so I’m only passing on this specific warning.

Alright…enough of the serious stuff.  Here’s a bit of the warning label advice I found outlandish no matter how deeply I imagined the warped ways my imaginative readers might tease the fates:

Company will not be held responsible for any illness or injury that is incurred while using the pedometer.   Yes, this came from a pedometer…damn tricky little devices, which have in the past must have been responsible for many a disfiguring accident.

Combustion of this manufactured product results in the emissions of carbon monoxide, soot and other combustion by-products which are known by the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects, or reproductive harm.   This was the warning on a box of matches…matches I picked up in a convenience store in Marina Del Rey, Los Angeles, California.  Good luck avoiding inhaling these dangerous substances, Los Angelinos !

Not for human consumption!  Please…just take a guess or two as to the origin of this warning label.  OK…done?  This came from a package of rubber worms intended for fishing.  I have known a few fisherpeople for whom this might be good cautionary advice, but not all that many.

Alright…I can get carried away with stuff like this, so…here’s a few quick-hitters.  Consider these drive-by warnings –

Caution:  Cape does not enable user to fly.   Why, on a Batman costume, of course.

Remove child before folding.   Oh my…this is from a children’s safety seat made for automobiles.  Get it new parents?

Off Road Commode

Off Road Commode (Photo credit: signalstation)

Not for use on moving vehicles.  From an Off-Road Commode, a portable one that attaches to a trailer hitch.


Danger: Avoid Death.  Excellent advice, I would think.  It came from a motorized yard appliance.


Harmful if swallowed.  There are so many objects and substances, from the mundane to the exotic, I could apply this to, but does this really need to be on a brass fishing lure with a three-pronged hook?


This product moves when used.  What a novel warning…for a Razor motorized go-cart.


Do not use for personal hygiene.  This, probably my favorite, came from a toilet brush.


So, there you are.  I feel as though my work is done for the day.  If I’ve saved a life, or an eye, or even some run-of-the-mill embarassment, I feel vindicated in my obsessive search of American cultural toys, tools, and health aids for possible dangers to you, and all yours you care enough about to not let swallow fish hooks, scour their private areas with toilet brushes, or see folded into child car seats.

march 28 2013 695Have a safe rest of the summer, and check any local listings for the dangers of jumping into piles of leaves as fall approaches.  Remember, there’s a possible lawsuit in nearly any action in the Land of the Litigious.

I’ll be here on the beach if any emergency cases arise despite my best efforts at steering readers clear of such dangers.  And, yes…I am reading the warning label on my water bottle, since I’ve finished the warning against wearing baseball caps backwards.


23 thoughts on “WARNING: Keep Eyes Open for Serious Nonsense

  1. ioniamartin says:

    Thank heaven’s you warned me. I was trying to figure out my pedometer just a few minuted ago. I may have killed us all were it not for your warning. Also, this was hilarious.

    On Mon, Aug 26, 2013 at 11:18 AM, Human Writes

  2. Nobody, and I mean no one, can tell me my toilet brush isn’t mufti-functional and versatile! It’s like having your own personal Swiss-army knife in the bathroom — comb my hair, unclog a drain, brush my teeth, scratch an itch that’s hard to reach, the list just goes on and on.

    • coyotero2112 says:

      I didn’t expect you to heed any warnings, living in the fast lane as you do. Do mind the warnings about flying with your Batman cape though, will you, please.

  3. WordPress and all of us followers are the better for having you in our midst to warn us of Danger. I won’t be able to sleep a wink tonight since I will be trying to Avoid Death.

    • coyotero2112 says:

      Oh, please get some sleep, it helps avoid death, or so I’ve heard. And…I don’t want to hear any Batman cape caper stories coming out of Cock country.

  4. cindy knoke says:

    Hilarious! The title hooked me. My eyes are always searching for serious nonsense~

  5. jerwayne2013 says:

    this totally made my morning..I have seen some suich warnings on items & I think to myself–“is this really true” tehe. Thanks for warning all of us about all these hidden dangers….Tally Ho

  6. mrs fringe says:

    What would I do without your Public Service Announcements? 😉 The extension cord warning…something to do with what the casing is coated with, used to know that one.

    It is ridiculous, isn’t it? Though I’m thinking of my bleary early morning eyes, wondering if some anti fog spray might be just what I’m looking for 😀

  7. jannatwrites says:

    This is hilarious (but sad!) If Darwin was right, humanity is in huge trouble. I seriously about lost it at the cape warning. I pictured my seven-year-old wearing a cape ready to jump off the roof. He’d totally do it, too. He has no fear, so I carry extra for him.

    Oh, and if I’m ever crazy enough to try contacts again and I think I might use anti-fog spray, I’ll remember you tried to warn me…

    • coyotero2112 says:

      Simply trying to do my part in Public Service. I don’t know how many times I had to scrape my son off the deck after flying attempts. Good luck with yours !:)

  8. Wow. Those were hilarious and it’s so sad that they’re true. A favorite of mine that I found once was on a chainsaw that said ‘DO NOT HOLD FRONT END WHEN ON!’ I can’t believe there’s actually somebody out there who needs to be told this. Even worse, someone that probably did it before the warning was created.

  9. Eva van Beek says:

    In Europe we laugh a lot about these american product warnings…but then again, your lawyers are very powerful and can ruin a company just because he or she can sue the company for having put their guinea pig in the microwave to dry…(well so the story goes here…), made me smile anyway, thanks for sharing

    • coyotero2112 says:

      Well, thank you. Here in Costa Rica there are no warning labels on anything, and personal safety – such as a swerving drunk in a truck running me down on a sidewalk – is the injured parties’ fault. Scary to many American and European tourists, the “you are responsible !” attitude. And if I made you smile, I can go to the beach in piece…or peace.

      • Eva van Beek says:

        Oh, I somehow assumed you must be living in America with this ridiculous product warnings! How wrong I was…yes the own responsibilty thing…same in other countries where I lived and quiet upsetting for some…I found it truly liberating 🙂 yes I smiled so go to the beach in (all) peace 😉

  10. You are indeed a public servant. My watch should have come with the warning that; “the time indicated on the watch face is an approximate replication of established time parameters. The company accepts no responsibility for negative consequences for the wearer as a result of poor adjustment or irresponsible interpretation of the hand positions on the analog version.”

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