I’m not sick very often, or ever, really. I break a lot of bones, but I have rarely had the opportunity to sit around in bed bored to distraction, I mean like cruising the brackish backwaters of the internet. I found some genius who made a series of videos on how to carry out simple home repairs, such as fixing a leaky sink, checking for faulty electrical connections in sparking light fixtures, or installing a new ceiling fan after a sparking ceiling fan has blown a hole in a ceiling, leaving a blackened void. The demonstrators were all pert, young women – none of them truly symmetrical enough to be considered true Helen of Troy beauties, but WebMaster had these demonstrators dressed in crude, cliché bits of erotic clothing…like tube tops circa 1972, shorts, torn and shredded to the point they appeared ready to fall apart and expose the whorish fishnet stockings that truly set off the ensemble.
Brilliant. The internet is a true wonder of modern culture, and I’m sure our era will be treated well in history books. Then, there’s those who try to truly help with weighty topics, such as the end of relationships.
This one website I found seems a rich vein of such wisdom, so I thought I’d pass it on to all of you who have too many truly constructive matters to attend to. Another of my Public Service-oriented style posts –
“Sometimes no matter how hard you try to fix your relationship it just doesn’t work out. When you are left with a broken heart and just don’t know how you are going to make it, hold your head up high and try a few of these ideas to help you get over your break up.”
- Join a Gym or start exercising, this not only takes up time but it will help you feel better about yourself and get you out of the house. (Nonsense…joining a gym will only give the dumped a view of all those hard-bodied fanatics who do the breaking up with their out of shape partners. A horrible place to try reclaiming any dignity and sense of self esteem. Also, I haven’t come across a gym yet that allows pitchers of Margaritas or doesn’t frown on crying jags from flabby dumpees wrapped up on sweaty floors in fetal positions. Stay home for a year or two…lifting a medium-sized pitcher of Margies is a fine place to start any health reclamation project).
- Start a hobby. Try something you have never done before! Art, writing, or collecting are a few things to consider. (Again, nonsense. Opening a world formerly free of risk-taking behaviors, or on pastimes as fickle as the arts is a sure way to increase despair algebraically. Collecting things? Wasn’t that the reason that the dumpee was kicked to the curb by the dumper in the first place? Remember the course words and insulting arguments about the angel figurine collections, or the overflowing bowls of animal bones? Do not start collecting anything, unless it is suggested by a very pricey lawyer).
- Volunteer someplace. Volunteering not only boost yourself esteem, it also gets you out and around people,
opening up opportunities to meet somebody new. (Another “get out of the house” ploy…as if the people one meets on the street offering “opportunities” are of any value other than the entertainment value derived from their imminenet arrest for pandering shakes the cocunuts in your tree. And, volunteering? Volunteers do the work that no One in their right mind, or anything useful to do take part in. The hours are usually rough, the pay is…well, volunteer says it all…but maybe I’m just jaded since Relationship Crisis Counseling was my first volunteer experience after such a breakup. My second wasn’t much more inspiring, was at a rabbit shelter, giving bubble baths to recently dumped rodents).
- Pamper yourself. Get a new haircut and have your nails done. If you can’t afford to go have them done, do them yourself! Set up some nice music and treat yourself to a bubble bath followed by a nice manicure. (This strikes me as something the dumpee should have done before dumper got their headstart. A bubble bath? Why do people always wait until suicide is a consideration before deciding on a bubble bath? This suggestion also forgot to mention the cliché tub of chocolate chip, pistachio mint ice cream….amateurs for sure. Dead relationship experts like this are surely failed therapists).
- Reach out to your friends and family. Most of the time when we are involved in a major relationship we neglect our friends and family… They probably miss you and will welcome seeing you more often. (Yeah…that’s it…spread the misery around equally. A sure-fire way to endear one’s Self to friends and relatives that have been avoided to the point of non-recognition for decades sometimes. Finding a person offering “opportunities” on the street would present acceptable targets for any frantic tirades of how the dumper will never find another pre-dumpee to clean the hair out of the shower drain like the neo-dumpee did for the dumper).
- Break off all communications with the “ex” for a while. It is hard enough to forget them and move on, but when you are still in communications you are doing nothing more than prolonging it. Set up a “fake” number on your phone for when you feel the need to text them. When you feel like calling them, write a letter instead and then burn it. Do whatever you have to do, just do not contact them! (What? What was that? How about just taking a blunt object to the dumper’s communication enablers…starting with that cell phone, working through brittle digits, and finally, all that dental work that the dumpee financed? There…problem solved…you’re welcome. And forget all that nonsense about another fake number on a phone…it’s that kind of behavior that started the questions that led to the row that led to all this dumping and being dumped in the first place. And burning things, like letters…who writes letters nowadays? No self-respecting dumper cares about letters, so why should grieving dumpees have to deal with fire departments or irate neighbors following the smoke, as they say in the Despondant Dumpee Reaction Force biz).
- Start your own website. I know that seems kind of silly, but there are so many places to make free websites and they can take up a lot of your time. Start one about your favorite animal, or one that has you favorite recipes. Start a forum with your friends and have them post as well. It will take up your free time and give you something to look forward to. (Yeah…get in a dark room, all by your dumped Self, then write until you are staying up for days conniving new ways to insult, degrade, and defame the dumper…forget to sleep, or eat, and start considering a liquid diet as normal, as long as the garbage bags of empties go unnoticed, dumpees can get away with this for a bit. Really, this is a calling, not something most dumpees just fall into, like getting law or medical degrees. Any council including the words “free time” should be ignored…there is no such thing. Another cliche reactionary reaction).
- Hiking – Exploring. This kind of falls in with exercising, but think of it as more of an adventure. Make a list of places you have always wanted to see and GO SEE THEM! (The encouragement to exercise again…while trying to rationalize it as “an adventure.” I saw that movie about the guy who went hiking alone in the Utah desert, I think it was, and fell, getting his dumpee arm caught between two boulders…remember that? Yeah…how long is it going to take for the average dumpee to decide to chew off their arm to escape their Darwinian Death Sentence? Just calm down….stay still…plot some kind of horrible, gruesome sort of adventure for the dumper…then, after a year or two – after the internet thing turns the dumpee into a photosensitive mole – do an internet word search for hangover remedies, or rehabilitation program, and venture out into the world. And, next time, switch the role…do the dumping, and keep in touch with that quick-twitch response mechanism or prepare for a re-run of the despair of the dumpee).
Now, for any One who has not read too many of my dosulute (Is that a word? It should be), and despairing posts in the past, I’m not usually so dosulute and despairing. I’m just baffled by the experts who ladle out advice like this… if they knew how to mix a decent Margie, they wouldn’t have the time or inclination to be offering it up for free on the internet, unless they’re just one of those kind Soles out to solve all the social problems of serial dumpees.
Dengue Report: The brain has to re-establish neurotransmitter contact between the positive ends of the synapses, and for a couple of months I might be a bit negative…a woman on the street told me this, right after she wrote the cyber address of this site down for me on the back of an ice cream container she was about to toss in a trash bin. She walked away muttering about my lack of enthusiasm for her hard-won wisdom, and I can’t say I blame her. I’m too happily married to recall the feeling of being a dumpee, if I ever was…and with gunk like this transmitting from my neurotransmitters to my battered nervous system to my fingers to this screen, I’m sure I have at some time.
Good luck ladies and gentleman, and to all Ships at Sea.