A New Call for Prohibition

Bread rolls

Bread rolls (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Many people are completely unaware of a dangerous substance sitting on their pantry shelves. It’s commonly known by its street name: “bread.”

Facts About Bread
  • More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
  • Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  • Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  • Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
  • In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  • More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  • Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
  • Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease and osteoporosis.
  • Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
  • Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
Take Action Now!
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
  • Duck Pond: Whole Piece of Bread

    Duck Pond: Whole Piece of Bread (Photo credit: Vicky TGAW)

    No sale of bread to minors.

  • No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
  • A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
  • No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
  • Limits on the sale of large amounts of bread, no use of bread in public places such as restaurants and sandwich shops.
  • Eventually, a total ban on the production, sale and use of bread.


Join the fight to combat this dangerous substance. Write your representatives today!
Readers, please share this with your friends — before it’s too late.
Alright…my work is done.  I’ve shared this with WordPress Nation.  Now it’s up to you to take action.
* This bit of sarcastic nonsense was Liberated from the mind of a concerned citizen and should only be taken seriously, copied, re-transmitted, or taken to heart solely by those who have nothing better to do.  It is the product of a mind associated with the Society of Assenine, Silly, Supercilious Yammering (SASSY).

26 thoughts on “A New Call for Prohibition

  1. halftangible says:

    Truly, bread is a horrific thing! IT MUST BE DESTROYED!!

  2. Like tobacco-less cigarettes and Virgin Shirley Temples, where does gluten-free bread fall in this warning? Since 99% of anything labeled “gluten-free” fails to even taste like the original thing does it get SASSY’s seal of approval?

    • coyotero2112 says:

      As long as it tastes like chicken – GMO chicken – SASSY approves. Had a student show me a video she found on Lynden chicken farms in Washngton…the chickens were modified to maximize breast meat at the expense of less profitable ass meat. The chickens would fall over forward and drown in the shit and piss that filled their pens. I learned so much from my young charges…and maybe turned a few into vegetarians – Bovine Growth Hormones and breast cancer, and all.

  3. jannatwrites says:

    I didn’t think I lived dangerously…but after reading about bread, I seriously would like a slice of buttered Italian bread. (Me and carbs go way back.) Thanks for the warning here. It’s too late to save me from bread’s evil clutches, but maybe- just maybe it can help someone else 🙂

    • coyotero2112 says:

      Some of us are simply stuck with our vices. The panaderias here make sure the smells from their shops are fanned out the doors, and I’ve come home to as many as seven loaves of home-made in the house, thanks to the wife…another victim. All we can do is try to give examples of those who have gone off the bread crumbed path.

  4. Hmmm…just as I suspected about bread. Thank God you didn’t mention donuts.

    • coyotero2112 says:

      Well, of course…donuts are a staple food source of primary cultures the world over, and look at the benefits those people receive from a controlled intake of sprinks, fruit goo substitute, and all that stuff in Bismarcks. Puppy Chow is a by-product of donuts, also…or so my sources have told me – off the record.

  5. Thank you for this……hysterical. Needed the giggles and grins!! 😀

  6. You forgot to mention that the government will establish the BTBA (Ban the bread Administration) and will call for appropriation to conduct what has been labeled “The War on Bread.” Billions will be spent to stop the flow of bread to the innocents and a medical infrastructure will be established to treat those addicted to bread. Possession of bread will be a misdemeanor. Distributors of bread will face felony charges which include a fine and jail of both. I am with you spread the word.

  7. jerwayne2013 says:

    wow, this is serious–don’t think I will look at bread in quite the same way after reading this very serious (te he) article

  8. Green Embers says:

    I was looking at this and thought… he can’t be serious and then read your bit about SASSY and laughed. Funny read, thanks for this! 🙂

  9. melissajanda says:

    Always looking out for us, Scott. Who knew bread was so harmful?LOL.

  10. This is hysterical…you’ve convinced me to make the call, Bread Eaters Anonymous here I come. 🙂

  11. Reblogged this on Legends of Windemere and commented:
    Warning! You must read!

  12. That was hilarious and I don’t have anything better to do. You win. Now to buy some pizza. Doesn’t count as bread if you add cheese and sauce, right?

  13. Reblogged this on Year 'Round Thanksgiving Project and commented:
    Do read this *ahem* very serious warning!

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